Bored

I am so completely bored. I got a text today from an old friend; in fact, an old girl friend. She's been living on her own lately; first time, I think, ever. She was drunk, go figure, and was talking to me about how completely bored she is. About how living alone was so lonely. She told me, "I am thinking of just running away. Giving up and saying fuck it to life before killing myself."
Well, as I'm sure you'd guess, I gave her the usual bullshit about her being too good for that kind of crap, blah blah blah. I mean, don't get me wrong. At least with her, it's true. She is way too smart to go blowing it. But, you know what? I see where she's coming from.

Not too long ago, about... I'd say about four months to a year ago- being the last time I recall thinking about what I want in life- my life's goal was to have a job, get married, start and support a family, get published, send my kids to college, die happy. But, recently, I've decided this isn't what I want anymore. Maybe I'm jaded, maybe I'm just finally 'acting my age'. Who knows. But what I know is that what I want now is nothing short of a well paying job, my own apartment, my internet buddies and wow, and to get published.

I don't care about falling in love. I don't care if I'm alone- in fact I prefer to be alone, I'd rather not have to rely on another person. People are complicated. They aren't like having a pet or a having another piece of furniture in the house. They are a part of reality in ways that nothing else can be compared to them. You're inviting another set of motives, motives you can't know, another set of goals and ideas- also things you can't truly know without a doubt- and, well, a new PERSON. They can be insane, and in fact you can be assured you'll think of them as such once they've shown their full colors. They are another living being, raised in another fashion, with a completely different set of values. So different from you, that they might as well be alien.

Why the hell would I want to live with that? I can live with my father. He's my father. We have a lot in common. Enough in common that it's just like having another me in the house but with a few hundred extra pounds. No big deal.

I'm sorry, I'm ranting now. But, in all sincerity, I'm trying to make a point here. Whatever happened to that part of me that as an idealist? The one that was hoping for huge things? I don't care about success anymore. I don't care about a house and a yard and a doggie and a few happy kids. I don't give a shit about the beautiful wife anymore. I just want freedom away from the responsibilities of having to live for anyone other than myself. I am more than enough for me to handle without some other doucher coming and demanding my attention and cash.

So, I can see why my old friend is so depressed. She's been cut short of what she wants. Me? I would feel the same way if I suddenly couldn't achieve my goals. I would probably feel like curling up and dying under a bridge myself if, all of a sudden, I had to effing rely on someone else. Not because I am insecure, or because I don't trust people. But because I just don't give a shit. My own ideals would clash with the situation. I would want to take care of them, because that's how I was raised and because I'm a realist and I know once the responsibility is there it has to be taken care of. But, I won't want to. I will hate it.

She's the same way but for a different reason. She's lonely and doesn't think that way I do. She's lonely and needs someone around with her. I don't know why. I can't imagine what the hell having another person around for is good for anymore in these days other than a drain on your wallet and an increase in your rent. People are just so... dull.

I don't know. I'm sure there's plenty of interesting people in the world I wouldn't mind meeting and talking to. I have nothing against having friends and having them visit and vice versa. But living with them? Ugh.. the idea just kind of makes me sick.

But, anyways. The point I was trying to make is that people have their values in life. What they want out of their day, week, month, year, and life. Whether they get that is up to how actively the seek it. My old friend just isn't seeking company sincerely enough. If she wanted to, all she'd have to do is call me up and she knows I'd come running. I may not be able to live with most any other living beings on this planet, but there was a reason I was with her to begin with. I may not be an idealist anymore, but I am not ignorant to the possibilities either. There's a rare few people I could deal living with. But good god almighty if there's more than one other person living under a roof with me I swear one of us is going to end up dead. It'll probably be me, lol.

But, alrighty, I think I've effectively ranted enough for the night. I promise I'll try and come up with something more interesting and less depressing next time. Good luck and have fun, humanity.